My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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