You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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