I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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