the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
