Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
