I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
