someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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