I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
