dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
