If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
