dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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