dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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