my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
