I looked at my own cervix.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
