Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
