tell your sister to shave her snatch
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
