i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
