he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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