I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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