i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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