His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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