instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
