No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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