get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
BRING THE BAGELS
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
