yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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