I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
why do cheetos always look like penises
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
