All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
