omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
