I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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