Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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