My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It's shark week go big or go home
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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