At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
