yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
