My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
