I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
