absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
