Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It's never too late to be topless.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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