So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
