Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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