i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
