i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
