My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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