paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
