I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
