If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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