So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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