Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
