I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
