sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
