Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
