remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
