Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
