god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
